The Erwin Invitational IV

Erwin after his run in with the law

When coach Chris Erwin made that infamous 2007 preseason trade of Terrell Owens, Jamal Lewis, and Jason Taylor for Rudi Johnson and a 10^th round draft pick, owners, coaches, and even players league-wide were wondering, “What the hell is he smoking?”  Just yesterday, Erwin had a run in with the law that not only answered that age old question, but also put all of our suspicions to rest.  While coach Erwin hasn’t recently received nearly as much press as he has in previous years (winning the Super Bowl in 2006, making that blockbuster trade that practically handed the 2007 championship to coach Lucas Duralia, and then of course his stubborn refusal to hand over the Super Bowl trophy to its rightful owner), it is still no surprise to see him making headlines on the front page of newspapers nationwide.

            Last night around 11:30 PM, coach Erwin was pulled over by Officer David Cox of the Seattle Police Department under suspicions of driving under the influence.  Officer Cox, who has recently transferred to Seattle from the small town of Corvallis, Oregon, instantly recognized Erwin upon pulling him over.  While Erwin has had several past run-ins with Cox down in Corvallis, Cox only spoke of one such instance.  “I remember he had this really gay mohawk and had pierced his ears.” recalled Cox with a tone of disgust.  “I found him and a group of his delinquent friends breaking into a Christian church group house with tackling dummies they stole from the local high school football field.  It truly was pathetic.  I really wish somebody would explain to me how he got a gig coaching a professional football team.”  

            With a long history of instinctually knowing whether a driver is driving under the influence of alcohol, Officer Cox soon realized that Erwin wasn’t drunk at all, instead he was high…”Higher than a kite.” Cox announced to the press earlier today.

            According to Cox, when he asked Erwin to define the strange yet somehow familiar smoky smell inside the car, Erwin, without hesitation pulled out a neatly rolled joint claiming it was a hand rolled cigarette.  Originally fooled by Erwin’s gutsy, yet not so well thought out plan to avoid detection, Officer Cox began to walk away when Erwin called him back to the car.  According to Cox, when he once again arrived to the driver’s window, Erwin pointed to the back seat to offer him a piece of what “appeared to be 3 week old cheesecake with soggy urine colored frosting.”  While baffled by Erwin’s strange stoner-like actions, Cox’s attention was immediately diverted to the homemade gravity bong sitting next to the cake.  When questioned about the homemade smoking utensil, Erwin said it was “for jeebers…and also so he could have his cake and eat it too.”  Although Officer Cox didn’t have any idea what coach Erwin was talking about, he did know without a doubt that Erwin was high enough to offer him old urine cake, and therefore high enough to receive a citation.

            Erwin was written up for driving under the influence of marijuana as well as possession of marijuana paraphernalia.  Although recent pictures taken on the night of the incident suggest that Erwin was also in possession of marijuana, Officer Cox was unable to find any definitive evidence of these suspicions.  According to Cox, he “searched every square inch of the car and all of his searchable property just shy of a full body cavity search.”  Coincidentally, friends of coach Chris Erwin have recently claimed that they learned early on that “Chris likes to put things in his ass” and that “sometimes the only way to find anything is to man up, get down, and start digging through the mud,”  It would appear that Cox missed his golden opportunity.

            While this story may be a great read to some, league officials are anything but entertained.  There have been recent rumors of a multi-million dollar fine, and a possible 4 game suspension from coaching.his new team Los Detenidos de Guantanamo.  On the other hand, there have also been rumors circulating that Erwin may not face any consequences at all.  With his younger brother acting as the current league commissioner, many skeptics are predicting a more lenient punishment such as no jeebers for a week.  Whatever the consequence, one thing is for sure:  It just wouldn’t be the start of a new fantasy football season without coach Chris Erwin doing something so stupid that everyone around the league starts to wonder, “what the hell is he smoking?”